Dumb Ways to Die: GiME Edition
by WeilIchsKann
Summary: Let's see how many ways we can find to kill off some annoying Mary Sues in hilarious or epic ways. Contains drabbles. [No bashing intended. I'm just messing around a little :D]
1. Just some Cake

Frodo and Bilbo stared in horror at the corpse of the beautiful young woman lying on the kitchen floor. They had taken her in only days earlier and now she was dead.

"What happened to her, uncle?" Frodo tore his gaze away from the dead girl and looked at Bilbo.

"I... I don't know," the older Hobbit whispered with a hint of panic in his voice. "I just offered her a bit of cake..." He gestured at the table where a plate with a half eaten piece of cake on it sat. "It was just a bit of peanut cake..."

 **Some stuff I posted on a German fanfiction site ages ago. Similarities with existing fics are unintentional.**


	2. Curiosity killed the Sue

Mary giggled quietly to herself as she snuck up on the sleeping wizard. "If you won't let me see it," she whispered, "then I'll just have to take a peek myself."

And with that she pulled the dark glass ball from Gandalf's grasp. It felt surprisingly heavy as she carried it back to her bedroll and sat down with it. She poked it curiously. "I wonder how this works..." Under her touch stone lit up with colorful specks of light.

"Ohhh, it's shiny!"

When the other members of the fellowship found her in the morning, she was slumped over the Palantír, dead hands still clinging tightly to the stone.


	3. But first let me take a selfie

**Kind of i** **nspired by Stormrunner, whose autocorrect seems to hate LotR characters :D**

Legolas was keeping watch while his companions slept when he noticed a figure stepping out of the forest. It was without a doubt a female – her short skirt and incredibly tight tunic left not much to the imagination. But the strangest thing about her was the colorful paint on her face.

" _O em gee,_ " the woman shrieked as soon as she caught site of Legolas. "You totally look like Leggy!" With one quick motion she reached into her pocket and pulled out a strange item. When she pointed it at Legolas and unleashed an unearthly light with it, the elf just reacted.

"But... I need... to tweet this..." she gasped as she crumpled on the floor, an arrow protruding from her chest.

 **Emma: I'll take that as a compliment :D**


	4. If it exists somebody ships it

**Soundtrack for this chapter: "I Ship It" by notliterally**

"I got it, my love," she whispered as she stepped out of the river Anduin. "Here it is." She bent down to the crouching figure and pulled a Ring on a chain out of her pocket. "But we have to hurry. They'll soon notice it's gone."

"Give it to us," the creature hissed and boney hands reached out for the Ring. She handed it over with a smile and watched as her lover jumped and danced with glee. "It is ours, precious," he shrieked all the while.

Later that night Gollum offered to take the first watch like a true gentleman. Once she was asleep, he crept up to her and strangled her out of fear she would take his precious away again.


	5. Don't talk to strangers

Rain was pouring down as she trotted down the muddy path. She didn't know where she was or how she got here in the first place, so she had decided to simply follow the street to the next settlement. That had been over an hour ago and by now she was tired and soaked to the bone.

She turned around when she the sound of hooves behind her. A rider clad in black and perched on a black horse was galloping towards her. "Excuse me," she called out to him as he rode past her. "Could you please point me-"

The last thing she saw was a pale blade being drawn.

 **Certh: Thank you for your kind reviews!**

 **Annafan: Thank you! Actually I have been there once or twice. The title is meant as a reference to Rule 34 of the internet. But looks like I need to check out AO3. It sounds fun :D**


	6. Burn it with fire!

Destiny Raven Camilla Sparkle was your average teenage girl. Well, if an unusual amount of angst, naturally pink hair, and the inclusion in some weird prophecy still pass as average. One fateful day, the Powers that Be decided, it was finally time for her to save the world.

Luckily the Valar utterly sucked at their job - or maybe someone with a little commonsense intervened – and somehow the teleporter got messed up.

Destiny materialized only a few meters above the fires of Mt. Doom. Once gravity took hold, she gave an ear piercing scream and fell to her death. After this little incident, the Valar decided to always double check their teleportation coordinates.

 **I threw up a little while coming up with that name. Oh well.**

 **Amateur Bacon Cook: I like your ideas and I'll probably include them! *evil chuckle* Uhm, do you have some bacon left? :D**


	7. She carries a Katana on her back, too

"Inappropriate?" Mary stared at Aragorn with wide eyes. "What do you mean?"

"This is not how mail works. _Obviously_ ," the ranger stated, eyes twitching a little.

"But..." Mary glanced down at her shiny new armor. "This is what women wear when they go to battle! I saw it on TV at home!"

Aragorn just sighed. He didn't even bother to ask what this TV was and why anyone would want to fight in a mail bra. On bare skin, no less. "Where did you even get this?," he asked instead.

Mary grinned. "Gimli made it for me. I don't know why. I always thought, he hated me."

 **Blame Borys for giving me this idea.**


End file.
